I am not your strong woman

Carrying the shards of a shattered system
on my back, on our backs
Instead
I wanna be the moon, home of light in the night
Instead
I wanna be a tree, with roots unshakable,
crown unbreakable

Whole like the Earth, made of generous land and sea
I wanna be
Soft, like a delicate fucking wildflower
or sunflower in the gentle power
of an early spring

I wanna get my roots wet, feet wet
in an ocean of vulnerability
While helping myself to a thick slice
of chocolate cake, a tender rebellion, me
Free from the weight of your expectations

So don’t tell me I’m strong
Don’t tell me I’m tough
like meat
So you can be more rough
less cautious, less kind, less precious
Instead.

I am brave
I know I am
I’m sure I am
But sometimes
I have to remind myself
Tell myself, quietly, silently

As a woman
You’re conditioned
to not speak too proudly loudly
Manicured into self-censorship
As a woman
You’re disruptive, difficult
If you know Yourself and
If you love her too

I thank my parents
Who brought me up to know
You do what’s right even though
it’s difficult, disruptive
You do what’s right
Not smiling to people-please
Not nodding and adhering
To a problematic status quo

I am brave
I know I am
Sure I am
And I know
Because I’ve reconnected with myself
Told myself, quietly, silently.

I am creating a new reality for my life
From now, I will always do what makes me happy
From now, you will see me in more than my uniform
No longer drowning in viscous seas of hospital blue
Instead I am swimming in fresh air and fresh coffee
Black leather and confident reds
And you know, I am taking control
Forgoing pain, stress and worry
Embracing joy, adventure and opportunity

I remember when you asked me: “Is that a good idea?”
Well, I’m telling you, I’m showing you…

Yes ma’am,
This is my time.

Yours,
truly faithfully

Joanne.

I am free to do, choose and be who I want to be
Now I see myself as happy
Making the choice, any choice
for me

Free from the constraints of a toxic relationship
built on foundations of control and submission
Laid the groundwork of people-pleasing
and getting his permission
But eventually, the cracks started to show

Cracks in the smiles that hid my fears
Cracks in my crying       all the way to work
Cracks in the silence I was forced into
Cracks in the bruises under my soft cream turtleneck

Enough

Now I see how I deserve to be treated
So sometimes I cry with pure happiness
Bursting with pride and joyful feeling
Bursting with an orange that signals The End
Bursting, as a woman who just wants to love somebody
and deserves the deepest love too
And I’ve got it, I found it, it’s deep within me.

I am not what you think I am
A random estimation from your exotic imagination
of brown skin and thick hair, saris or sombreros
I won’t be reduced to your creation

And please I don’t want to know
if you’ve ever been to Mexico
Because you couldn’t possibly have seen
My combination of playful red, passionate pink
and angry yellows

Not even smelt or touched it

You see me as different
but you don’t know how
Here I sit between two realities
from
yours and Mine
Miss to Mrs
here and Home

Your guess and my truth
of where I come from

and who I am.