I am feeling
Dear hoyo, in the same way you feel when you’re boldly naked
The murky, mucky greys of life in a world that is too black and white, I am feeling

I am feeling
Dear hoyo, allowing myself to be touched and moved by the little things
The close friendships, the walks in nature, the time I take for me, I am feeling

I am feeling 
Dear hoyo, when I hiked my skirt up that bit higher in school
I still held close your values, your lessons, God’s word and God’s love

Still feeling

Freeing, dear hoyo there is more to me than my skin, my tits and hips, I know
So just let me feel more, be more in front of you
Less modest, more honest, more me with you

No I’m not the perfect daughter, perfect sister or perfect Muslim
And I don’t think that makes me a bad person in God’s eyes
But hoyo, who am I in your eyes?

I am not isolated from my past, present and future
No, I am every bit of it
Every bit of my mother’s love, every lesson
Every letter passed down in held hands
to my daughters
For today

And yesterday, for the beauty
of my twenties
The sweetness, the shyness, give pause, so pretty
But pretty never served me, not even a bit
Not like the power of my thoughts
The poetry of a loving family
Yesterday
Today
Tomorrow
Of grandma, mother, daughter and grandchild
Our held hands like branches on family trees
of generational love and familial power

Who am I without them?
My mother’s love, my daughters’ touch
The sweet kind air of those who care
Who am I between the city and the countryside
Between friend, lover, wife and mother
Anything but invisible
Everything, but invisible.

I am still figuring everything and myself out
Far away from family. Far away from home.
In a place that gives me the space
to do to that. To choose.

To be sensitive, to light and darkness
Like fresh negatives in the darkroom

To be naive, open to being in and of
the tender world around me

To be vulnerable, like dry eyes to ripe
red onions

Curious but closed
Solitary but sociable
Confident but coy

All in or all out in a very extreme way
Like a bright red jacket on a cool blue day.

I am simply Leanne
and I always have been
before it was cool to be mixed race
before it was cool to take up space
So some see me as the angry black woman
but that’s the only way they hear you
To me, that’s bullshit
And I’ve got no time for it
Sometimes I am just angry
And I have more than enough reason to be
every single right to be
Comfortably, beautifully and unapologetically
me.

I am resilient
And I am somebody
A somebody, a body
Who is independent and strong in will and bones
Funny and stubborn enough
to try and make the time we’ve got worthwhile
Funny and stubborn enough
to know whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye
So I look for the purpose
By living life and helping others
In question of fate or free will
I choose to search my soul
To ask, to know
What makes me happy
And it’s not that I’m a glass half empty
kinda lady
Just “interrogative”, a bit selective
with what I choose to put in my tea.